Do you have good self-esteem? Really?

First, let me apologize for the absence. I’m sure you were all pining, and since I had something on my mind, I thought I’d share. My friends and I often refer to our inner “Fake Bitch.” She’s the woman who shows up to my job interviews perfectly poised with all the right answers. She has perfect phone etiquette. She wouldn’t dare swear in public. For the most part, the Fake Bitch is tucked away until we really need her to make a good impression. We let her out, she does her thing, we praise her and put her back. The problem has become, though, that I’m seeing much too much of people’s fake bitches. Case in point: An acquaintance of mine recently gave a few other acquaintances a lecture on self esteem. The first problem: Acquaintance #1doesn’t really have any. The second problem: She may not know it. I recognize low self-esteem. Believe it or not, I suffered from it once for about 6 months until my mother called me a stupid bitch and snapped me out of it (I know that sounds odd, I’ll explain some other day). What I don’t like, though, is women pretending to be people they are not, giving advice to other people. Acquaintance #1 has two hobbies: eating and sleeping. She works out of necessity, rarely fixes herself up (therefore she rarely finds anyone who will ask her out). She wouldn’t think of an exercise program, a book club, or a shopping spree. She is content to eat in her car on her way to work, sit at her desk and plan what fast food she will eat for lunch, then drive home with dinner in mind. After dinner, it’s a belch and a bowel movement before turning in at 9 PM. Should she advise anyone about anything? On the rare occasion that she is drawn into a social situation, though, she brings out her Fake Bitch. She goes on and on about her great job, her great life, and gives advice on a topic she knows nothing about. I spoke to a psychologist recently who said that signs of poor self esteem, and even clinical depression, include overeating, excessive sleeping, the tendency to withdraw from family and friends, mood swings, etc. Imagine that? Someone who is depressed (at least on paper) pretending not to be (or really not knowing that she is) telling other people how to live an eventful life. Those of you who know me understand that I have made great strides in keeping MOST unsolicited advice to myself, but alas I am who I am. Still, I don’t like to hurt people so I am wondering if I tell this woman to seek help, or do I just let her go on like she has been and hope she doesn’t take a handful of pills one day? I also ask you, Dear Readers, to assess yourselves. Is your self-esteem all that it could be? If not, or if you aren’t sure, have a quick talk with a professional just to be on the safe side. I did. She told me I was obsessive, crass, competitive and narcissistic. That means I’m fine, right? She suggested a support group, but she DID say I had good self-esteem. Wait a minute … I think she’s giving me mixed messages …. I’m about to call her back. In the meantime, I’m wishing YOU good mental health.