I have no problem admitting that I am a fan of the gigantic. I have a beautiful 62″ TV. I traded my old Cavalier in for a new Saturn Vue. Next year, I plan to trade my Vue in for a Hummer, a Suburban, or – dare I wish it – a Denali. I carry large designer bags, only a queen-size bed would fit up the staircase in my condo, but I don’t rent hotel rooms that don’t have suites with a king-sized bed. I gave birth to a 12 1/2 pound baby, which should come as no shock since I’m a big girl, with an even bigger husband. It is my wish for you, Dear Reader, that you should someday know the joy of a man who is 6′4″ and 310 pounds. What would I do without those size 14 feet, size 13 ring fingers, and the huge …? Okay, I stopped myself, that thought was just vulgar. You get it, right? I love it large. That is why I am so confused when others claim they don’t. You, personally, might not care for bags. You might not have room in your home, or the inclination to spend 3 grand, to buy a large TV. The 70″ was way out of my budget, but if I could’ve afforded it, I would have purchased it instead. That’s me. You can’t, however, really believe that a 5 1/2″ penis is going to do much for the average person. Call me a wanton, ex-slut if you want, but Ms. Pretty would crack up laughing at something that little. I was embarrassed, but once she shouted, “Where’s the beef?” It wasn’t PC, but it came out before I could stop her. I recently heard a conversation in which two women were claiming that size didn’t matter. Translation: Our men have little d!(&$. Poor girls. To be all-honest, I once met 13″. Ms. Pretty hated him. She said he was a battering-ram. He hurt her. So 13″ might be unneccessary, but a good 9″-10″ is ideal. The 9″-10″ inches says, “I won’t remove your entire uterus when I withdraw, but you’ll definitely know I was there, Baby.” Since I’m queen-sized, and the Queen of Size, please follow my advice below. You have to know what you should do with what you have.
12″ or above – it doesn’t matter what you do, soon you’ll hemorrhage to death
9″ to 11″ – if he’s got a job that pays even one cent better than minimum wage, and he doesn’t hit you, keep him
8″ – if he makes more than $65,000 and has good technique, he stays, too
7″ – he needs to earn at least a 6-figure salary, have good technique, be willing to suck the toes AND toss the salad, treat you like you are royalty, and buy the best jewelry he can find, in order to stay around
6″ or less – kill yourself, no – it’s not your fault – kill him and his parents, then find someone who fits the 7″ to 11″ criteria
Over 24-years-old and Purposely Abstaining? – okay, you’re just stupid and you should kill yourself; it was nice not knowing you
Don’t like my advice? Go to hell. Someday I’ll see you there.
*SIGH*