Undignified – Dogs and Babies

The general public might be a little pissed at me for comparing infants to canines, but, hell, what can anyone do to me? I want to tell you that I consider myself a dignified person, especially in public. I cross my legs at the ankle, I never leave the house in pajamas, and I comb my hair and brush my teeth to walk out of the house, even if I’m certain no one will see me. Recently, I was having right-sided abdominal pain that I was sure was appendicitis. I knew I had to get to the ER, but not before I showered, brushed my teeth, and put on clean clothes. That was 2 AM and by 4 AM I was being wheeled into an emergency appendectomy. Wasn’t I glad I was wearing clean panties? With all of my “dignity rituals,” which are far too many to be named here, I can’t imagine how I became the mother of three when having babies is a completely undignified experience. To start, being pregnant is disgusting. For most women it entails huge weight gains, swollen ankles, and uncontrollable flatulence (you know, farting). Labor consists of water breaking, which is a lot like the most massive pee you’ll ever dump all over yourself, and/or contractions – cramps so severe you’ll call your partner names that his parents will never forgive you for. Vaginal birth consists of strange doctors and nurses shoving theirs hands up your “pretty” at regular intervals to see if you are ready to push. Pushing is the time when you poop yourself as blood and a baby come out of the vagina – a muscle that is forever damaged after all that. The C-Section isn’t so bad, until afterward when your partner may be required to wipe your butt because your middle is stapled together like a stack of papers, and you just can’t reach it. Fast forward to bringing home your supposed bundle of joy. OOOH, they are so cute to look at while sleeping, but, alas, they do wake up. When they do, they will pee on you (a baby boy might get you right in the face), they will poop on you, and perhaps giggle while they do it, and they will, inevitably, vomit on you – and you’ll go to work at least once with throw up on your shirt or in your hair. The funny thing is, you’ll suffer through it all with the hope that they’ll grow up, graduate college, become rich, and thank you on national TV. If it works out that way for you, great. Everyone has to have a dream. More undignified than babies, though, are dogs. Will they ever say thanks? How desperate for affection and attention do you have to be to allow something hairier than a husband lick you in the face? Have you nothing better to do than trot after a four legged mongrel and stop when it wants to so you can pick up its poop. Are you kidding me? You aren’t its master, it is yours! My mother was recently visiting a friend of mine. This friend has only one teenaged daughter, yet my friend had been to the store to purchase a bag of diapers because one of the two dogs was in heat and on her “period.” Shortly thereafter,  this friend yelled at the two dogs for “humping on her.” She told them they could hump anywhere in the house, just not, literally, on her. OK. One can’t have an ounce of dignity when choosing to clean up pet period. And the day I pick up pet poop, clean up pet period, or sleep with an animal that is so incapable of respect that it would have sex on top of me (gosh, I wonder if she’s ever been violated in her sleep), is the day I promise to slit my wrists. Then I don’t have to worry about my dignity rituals, because I’ll be dead (and probably asking God why sweet death didn’t come before the pet-scapades).