Nice Meeting Me

After some good-natured ribbing of my best friend, Ingrid, I, too, decided to join your community. Why? Well, mainly because I am home alone with little else to do. Actually, I have a few things to do, but they all require leaving my condo, and leaving the condo requires getting dressed. I own clothes – in fact, a lot of them – but something about the prospect of getting off my bum, into a shower, and then, finally, into the aforementioned clothes, lacks appeal at this date and time. It’s only 1:15 PM, so there is still time; however, it is my general experience that if I haven’t gotten it together by noon, it’s probably best to wait and try again the next day. Now that I am here with you (hopefully) good people, I should probably introduce myself. In fact, let’s skip right to the good stuff. I am a loud mouth eccentric who loves reading and writing, and I can probably be talked into trying anything legal at least once. I am a wife and mother, even though I don’t particularly care for men or children. That does not mean I am gay. I love the male form, especially the penis, but being heterosexual, and having decided to marry, my only choice was a man and, well, they have issues. God love my husband, but marriage has just required much more compromising than I am interested in. The only thing worse than that is negotiating with my 13 and 3-year-old sons. Several times, on any given day, I ask the Good Lord to steel my hand and keep from slapping one or all of them. Did I mention that I am 30 weeks into bringing son #3 into the world? Why? Well, I told you I love the penis. I should have remembered to buy it a rain coat, though. Other than trying not to get arrested for assault, my hobbies include reading classic literature, listening to country music, and writing short stories and poetry. I live about 90 minutes away from my immediate family and two best friends, so I spend A LOT of time on the phone. Since I am currently don’t work (despite my 2 college degrees), I’ve rediscovered my love for cooking by trying new recipes. Well, I don’t actually try them. I test them out on the hubby and kids first. If they don’t die within 24 hours, then I taste it to see if it is worth keeping around. Well, my husband just walked in, came pretty close to me then wrinkled his nose and walked away. About 20 seconds later, I heard bath water start. He’s over 6-foot-3, and says bathing is for girls (real men shower), so I guess that water is for me. This is an overt hint that I do not get to skip practicing good hygiene today. C’est la vie! Maybe I can sneak and skip out on brushing my teeth tomorrow. I have to go. I hope it was nice meeting me. I also hope to learn more about you all soon. I mean, except for Ingrid. There are some things about you I am still trying to forget. Love you.

Q